< & >
<
my biggest high school crush
was that guy who loved daft punk
& roller coasters & edm music
& played bass drum in the marching band
& it was obvious
that he liked me too but
>
i was fourteen
& didn’t know how to handle that
<
he told me that
my marching steps were higher
than everyone else on the
flag squad
& jokingly
he asked me to play
my flag
>
i see
so many stories about
adult-maturity romance
in children
but i don’t think enough media
embraces
that it’s okay if you didn’t date in high school
& it’s okay if
you don’t date until your twenties
<<
when i was in middle school
i was sexually abused
by one of my closest childhood friends.
& i tried
to have a trust in boys
after escaping that
but it was
just too hard.
>>
never mind
the fact that
i then turned out to be a boy myself
<<<
i used to say
this world cursed me
by making me someone
who hated men so much
& then i turned out to be
a gay man.
>>>
it hasn’t been easy
for me to be a man
& to love men.
__
Two Mugs of Coffee & A Bottle of Mountain Dew
today i ran on
two mugs of coffee
& a bottle of mountain dew
& i don’t even like mountain dew
i just buy it when
i need emergency caffeine
i have
sleep problems & sugar addiction
& i know that those seem tame
but i have borderline personality disorder
& maybe some form of a laughing disorder
& i
only feel emotions
at the highest intensity
or no emotions at all
so sugar is one of the few ways
i can make myself instantly happy
when i’m so sad i can’t move but
i’m known for having
childish sugar highs
but shaking & giggling
is one of the few ways
i can reliably feel good
in an instant &
my pantry is stocked with
treats & caffeine.
alternatively also
cbd & camomile.
it’s one of the few ways i can handle
tears on pillowcases
& alarm clock snooze buttons
&
i know it’s not the healthiest
but it’s also not the worst either
what do you do for
overlooked addiction?
mental illness & sugar
aren’t associated together
but to me they very much are
today i ran on
two mugs of coffee
& a bottle of mountain dew
& at least it’s not the worst but
i’m constantly drugging myself with
sleep & awakening.
__
Red Lobster Dew-Garita
recently,
red lobster released the
dew-garita.
it is what it sounds:
a mountain dew
margarita.
because if that sugar & caffeine
wasn’t enough
now there’s shots of hard alcohol
so you can get drunk
& have a sugar high
at the same time
at one (1) of the nicest
chain restaurants.
& yes i know
that mountain dew is disgusting
but i’ll drink it anyway
when energy drinks
don’t cut it
after zero hours of sleep.
before i eat
i’ll quench down two (2) glasses
like it’s nothing
& i know that
i probably shouldn’t be able to do that
if i’m twenty-one
& only just started drinking
if that sugar & caffeine
wasn’t enough
now there’s shots of hard alcohol
but i can be
both an adult
& a child at heart
so i’ll drink
this concoction
of so bad for you
like it’s nothing
because i can
& i won’t always
be able to.
__
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